Sense of Belonging - through - Embracing Vulnerability

     Subjects in my study divided into 2 groups: "people with a sense of worthiness, a strong sense of love and belonging, and folks who struggle for it, folks who are always wondering if they’re good enough. Only one thing separates these two groups – those with a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. These are kind of wholehearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness - what they had in common was a sense of courage.
     The original meaning of courage - derived from coeur meaning heart - was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. So these folks very simply had the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others, because as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And they had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were, which you absolutely have to do for connection.
     The other thing they had in common is they fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what make them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating, (as I heard talked about in the ‘shame’ interviews) they just talked about it as being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say ‘I love you’ first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental. 
     The definition of research is to study phenomena for the specific goal of controlling and predicting. My mission to control and predict has turned up that the way to live is with vulnerability and stop controlling and predicting.
     When we hold a perfect little baby in our hand, our job is not to say 'look at her, she's perfect, my job is to keep her perfect, make sure she makes the tennis team by 5th grade, and Yale by 7th grade.' That's not our job. Our job is to let kids know 'you're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love & belonging."        Brene Brown PhD