"Sometimes the wounding or
separation from love happens in more subtle ways. Some parents seem loving
enough, yet they covertly or unconsciously dispense their love in controlling
or manipulative ways. Or they may not be attuned to the child as someone
different from them, a separate being in his or her own right. Such children
may feel loved for certain attributes – but not for who they really are. In
their need to please their parents and fit in, they come to regard love as something outside of themselves, which they have to earn by living up to certain
standards.
Children naturally try to
protect themselves from the pain of inadequate love as best they can. They
learn to separate and distance themselves from what causes them pain by contracting and shutting down. The technical term for this is dissociation.
Dissociation is our mind’s way of saying no to
and turning away from our pain, our sensitivity, our need for love, our grief and
anger about not getting enough of it, and from our body as well, where these
feelings reside. This is one of the most
basic and effective of all the defensive strategies in the child’s
repertoire. Yet it also has a major downside: It constricts or shuts off access to two main areas of our body: the
vital center in the belly – the
source of desire energy, eros, vital power, and instinctual knowing – and the heart center – where we respond to love
and feel things most deeply. In saying no to the pain of unlove, we block the pathways through which love flows
in the body and thus deprive ourselves
of the very nutrient that would allow our whole life to flourish. And so we
wind up severing our connection to life
itself."
Welwood J. Perfect love, imperfect relationships. Healing the wound of
the heart. Trumpeter, Boston, 2006.
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