Conflict Mediation & Resolution - "Would you rather be Right or Happy?"

     "Would you rather be right or happy?" along with "And how's that working for you?" are popular modern-day koans. It's tempting to dismiss them as pop psychology, but they hold surprising depth.
     Disputes at best end in wonderful transformative growth experiences; at worst, utterly destroy lives. The most rewarding case I've ever had the pleasure to mediate was a dispute between two students who had to work together on a joint project, but seriously disliked each other. After meeting with them separately, it was clear that they simply had very different work habits - one was very punctual, organized, hard-working, detail-oriented; the other very laid-back, creative. They quickly came to appreciate each other's talents, hugged (sincerely) at the end of our last meeting, and not only did they work well together, but became close friends.
     The worst case I know of involved a business dispute between two clinicians. Neither of them "gave an inch". One clinician's health severely deteriorated; the other's marriage was destroyed, and has since moved away. Their lawyers were the only winners. 

          "Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
          You could stand me up at the gates of hell
          But I won't back down"                                                  Tom Petty "I Won't Back Down"

     To resolve a conflict, we must listen deeply with an open mind / heart. This involves psychological flexibility. For a mediator, this is relatively easy; for the involved parties, not so much. Primitive animal instincts and psychological rigidity arise when our ego (feels exactly like our very life) is threatened! Rational thought and civilized behavior evaporate, and we're in full fight-flight-freeze mode, for as long as it takes. In this altered state, it's exclusively about "I'm right" (protect the ego at any cost), everything else - even one's own health - be damned!

     When we're embroiled in conflict, we need to stop and ask ourselves how our present approach is working for us. If it's making us and our loved ones miserable, can we soften our ego defenses a bit, and listen to advice from those with a balanced perspective on the situation?

     See also: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/11/blindspots-ethics-evolution-of.html
     and http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/02/balancing-act.html